Gibberish thoughts in my head

January 15, 2017

[Caution: Depressing ramblings/musings/gibberish ahead.]

Slightly more than 2 decades into this life and I feel like a lost ship at sea. With no direction, no destination in mind. It's terrifying not knowing where I'm heading when everyone else seems to have someplace they are heading towards. Numerous times have I been told by my dad, people around me, that I should have a goal in mind. I should have planned out and thought about what is it that I am going to do in the future, what is it that I want and start working towards it. Yet, even after thinking and exploring, I'm here, still as aimless as ever.

I'm not happy or satisfied with where I am now, in life. Problem is, I don't know where to go, what to do, how to find my meaning.

Such a feeling is demoralizing, crushing. I tried to think of where my strengths lie, to maybe get an idea of what I could contribute to. And I realised, I didn't have any. Apart from sports, where I seem to be slightly above average at playing everything, I'm not particularly good at anything. Not like its gonna be of much help towards helping me find a job too. A job that I can survive on anyways.

Dabble into photography, editing, videography. A bit of heres and theres, barely even amateur level.

Despite the seemingly uselessness of my scattered interests, I won't deny that many a times, they have come in handy and have opened new doors for me. I guess it helps to keep an open mind and try everything. My problem is that I never have the patience, perseverance and determination to keep at something. And my mind is constantly wandering, excited at everything new, but never having the energy to see things through. *shakes head* 

Sometimes I feel like I have boundless energy. Going out to meet people, enthusiastically discussing ideas, traversing new places and feeling like I can accomplish anything. It's such an amazing feeling and I often wonder how people manage to be like that all the time. It never lasts long for me.

Till now, I still can't figure how on earth I'll suddenly wake up one day, feeling tired, nervous and scared when just the day before, I was up and ready for anything to come hit me. On low days, I'm just wishing I could stay in bed, avoid human interaction, avoid facing whatever lies ahead in the day or my life. Yet I know I can't act this way so I get up, wash myself, dress better to feel better, and walk out the door to face whatever I have to face.

After rambling so much, I'm still as clueless as ever. Please tell me I'm not alone in this, it's scary and depressing. Right now, I have been making myself try different paths and options because I am hoping that by sheer serendipity (i love this word) I may somehow find myself on the path that feels right. I don't think there is a right or wrong path, just one that you find yourself on at that point in life, that works for you (hopefully).

Nonetheless, I realised that throughout my life, I've been lucky to have people who have guided me along, provided advice and encouraged me. Whatever it is, I have told myself that - I won't ask for 2017 to be kind to me or easy. But I will be brave, smile, live and breathe. I will suck it up and move on because sometimes really bobian (quote my bf). I will be working on myself as an individual, battling my inner demons and remembering that for every choice I make, it will be because I hope, and not because I fear.

Just to end things on a lighter note. A vid I made of our Ubin trip below (:

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