October 30, 2014

The Girl Who Wants To Run Away

When others ask her what is wrong, how does she tell them she hates herself and her life right now. All her insecurities - how sensitive she really is, how inferior and unimportant she feels, how weak she actually is both mentally and physically.
How does she tell them that deep inside, she has always had this innate fear of trusting others and she can never fully trust anyone enough to tell them her deepest secrets. How does she tell them that sometimes even amongst friends, she feels as if she is all alone and no one cares or gives a thought about what she going through. When others tell her she has changed, how does she tell them that what they are seeing is actually the real her, suppressed deep inside for so long, without the happy friendly pretense she puts on all the time while trying to please everyone. How does she tell them that she is so broken inside that she can't find the pieces that were once, her? Till now, she is still searching for them and even as she tries to piece them back, she knows that it's never going to be the same as before. How does she tell them that she is trying to find herself in the midst of all the chaos when they cannot understand what she is going through and all they see is someone who is outgoing and happy because she’s trying to convince herself that she is happy too. How does she tell them on some days she feels as if everything is going right on track and she is unstoppable while some days she comes crashing to the ground like a comet that once burned bright. How does she tell them that sometimes all she wants is to crawl back into the safety of her shell away from everyone and everything. How does she tell them that she doesn't give a shit about the business of others. How does she tell them that the verbal and physical abuse from the one who was suppose to nurture you, has scarred her so deeply that she questions her self-worth every single day. How does she tell them that she's afraid to be in a relationship with others because she's afraid they would turn tail and run after seeing her darker side, pushing her further into the abyss. These thoughts that haunt her every night, gnawing relentlessly at her heels minute after minute, hour after hour, giving her no peace till the birds sound their call at dawn. Only then do the thoughts start to back down, retreating back into the shadows, all the while promising that they will return again. Every single day she thinks of running away. Running to someplace far where no one knows her, where her thoughts can’t find her, where she can start finding herself again. 

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